Surviving the 1st Year Without

I sit in disbelief that it has been a year since Ryan left this world.  The first 365 days preceding the loss of a loved can been a roller coaster of emotions.  There are moments when I am left without words for the confusion I feel for what has taken place.  There are moments when I am brought to tears from the loss.  There are moments when remembering fond memories can bring smiles to my face and joy to my heart.  The first year I believe is so significant because it is the confrontation of every first without.  The first holidays, first birthday, first parties, first family gathering etc.  Each time is marked by an unfamiliar awareness that something is missing and different. I still feel an immense amount of pain for the reality that it has been a year without seeing, talking or hugging my baby brother, but at the same time I also experience a great deal of hope.  Hope that is bound so tightly in the strength of a family that is working on overcoming such incredible loss.   Hope that comes from the knowledge that Ryan is in a better place and is no longer in the pain he once was.  Hope that comes from watching how life continues to provide so much to be thankful, grateful and appreciative for.  Although it has been a year without my dear brother Ryan it was also 28 wonderful years with him.  28 years filled with the love of a baby brother who became a tender uncle to our daughter Brylie.  28 years of laughter, struggles, hugs, tears, and happiness.  Although I am sad that our story does not continue in this lifetime I am so incredibly thankful for those 28 years.  I don't think Ryan had any idea that in both his life and his death he has taught me far more than I could ever imagine being able to teach him.  He has taught me the importance of valuing our differences and appreciating our unique God given characteristics.  He has taught me the grace that is needed when dealing with challenges and differences.  He has taught me to never give up and to fight for what I believe.  He has taught me that every moment on earth is a gift.  He has taught me how deeply love can extend even in death.  Ryan my brother bear I love you more than words can express.  I miss you deeply and know that we will be reunited again one day.  Thank you for giving me the pleasure of 28 wonderful years of being your big sister.  With love always.

Easter 1991

Wedding Day 2007