Gratitude at the Dining Room Table

In the midst of reading an incredible book "Bloom" about a family's journey of acceptance, transformation and appreciation a quote took me by surprise and resonates deep within my soul.

"I wonder if gratitude is the uniformed doormen of the heart needing to be healed."- Kelle Hampton

I have felt this so strongly since Ryan's death.  The need to cling to the truth that there are still things in life to be valued, cherished, treasured and grateful for.  I can see now that this can be a way to help the heart to heal from pain that feels to big to bear.  It is a way of allowing the mind to stay clear and present to the things that still matter.  I have so many things in my life that I am grateful for.  The list is endless and I am reminded of them often as I flip through the pages in my gratitude journal that carefully outlines the abundant blessings in my life that come in so many forms.

Today I want to take notice of a few things that have been particularly tugging at my heart strings and making me aware of my feelings of gratitude.  Family dinners have become an valued routine in our household.  Although they are important let me preface this by saying that family dinners need not be fancy, elaborate or even home cooked to evoke the feelings that I am so grateful for.  The importance of the dinners is the connectedness that I feel within our small family.  A moment to slow down and appreciate one another free from outside distractions even if only for a few precious minutes.  The routine begins with Brylie sitting at the head of our dining room table in her high chair with Nick and I on either side.  Brylie usually takes a few bites of her food and then closes her eyes reaches out her tiny little hands and says the word "bessing."  To most people this wouldn't mean much, but to Nick and I it means the world.  Our little Brylie is the one who encourages us on most nights to say a blessing and to take time to give thanks for our life, our journey, and our family.  Each time we do this I too with half closed eyes watch as Brylie's adorable face tries to keep her beautiful blue eyes closed and anxiously awaits the last line where she can say "amen" and clap with excitement.  This little child reminds me each day that there is beauty in most everything.  She has taught me that being a mommy is the most rewarding and challenging thing I will ever do.  That each joy and heartache deserves moments of gratitude for the incredible journey we are on and the life that is transformed by that journey.

This picture was taken on Valentine's Day 2012 and looks like many of our family dinners gathered around our table.  

Brother Bear

I have been reluctant to write on the blog for some time.  It is hard to get past the tragedy that has taken place since my last post.  I feel compelled to address this aspect of our life before continuing to post about what our family has been up to.  My heart has been dealing with the pain and loss of my baby brother.  I can’t even begin to describe or put into words the sadness that is felt when someone you love leaves this world. 

Through this difficult time I am learning a lot about myself.  I am learning the reality that loss and suffering in life is inevitable and how dramatically it can alter and affect the lives of those touched to the one who is lost.  I am learning that it is your response to the loss that can make all the difference.  Your response involves the choices you make, the grace you receive and the transformation that you allow to take place.   I am learning that the choices I am choosing for myself are to live in the present, be filled with gratitude and take advantage of every moment.  I am learning the grace that can be received through God, family and friends.  I am learning that I am stronger than I ever imagined possible.  I am learning that dealing with loss is a journey that is sometimes met with unforeseen challenges, obstacles and sadness. 

Ryan you will be forever missed, but I feel your spirit and presence around me constantly.  I am learning that even though you are no longer here physically that I can incorporate your inescapable presence in almost every aspect of my life.  I feel you in the stillness of the open air, the beauty of the outdoors, the love and innocence of Brylie, the strength of the wind that blows so furiously against the window panes, the playfulness of Bella, the transformation within a sunset, but most importantly I feel you within my heart daily.  You are and will always be such a treasured part of who I am.

Ryan I have faith that we will meet up again one day, but until that day comes I am happy to know that you are my angel brother bear above.  I love you!!

This picture was taken of Ryan and Brylie days after her birth.  He was so loving, kind and protective of his niece. 

 Ryan with his sisters and nieces a moment to be remembered and cherished.  

Leading up to Christmas

The months leading up to Christmas seem to be somewhat of a blur.  We spent a lot of time with family, tried to stay busy and allowed time to heal and grieve from the loss of my brother.  Below are some pictures from various days in November and December. 

 A visit from Aunt Lisa at Dad's house with Brylie and Avery.

 Brylie working on her golf game.

 Grandbrad and Brylie enjoying some peace and quiet on the stairs.

 Brylie enjoying some time on the swing with her monkey hat.

 Day at the park.

Mommy and Brylie had a picnic in the backyard and searched for airplanes flying above.  It is moments like this one that make my heart sing with gratitude for life and love.

 A trip to Home Depot with Daddy.

Brylie all dressed up for Church. She is such a big girl that she has moved from Duck pond (area for  babies) to Turtle Bay (walkers- 2 years old).  She is growing up so quickly.

A beautiful double rainbow!!  On most days I would have glanced at a spectacle like this and not given it much thought.  I may have been too caught up in the daily goings on to truly appreciate the beauty, but today was different.  I stood outside getting wet from the rain admiring the wonder of God's creation.  I thought of Ryan and how I believe he is playing in the heavens and among the angels.  I thought of how much I love him, miss him, and appreciate the moments we had.   In this brief moment in time I was reassured that God is powerful, God is everywhere, and that God is good.  I am thankful for these moments.  Thankful for the beauty that is in the world, thankful for opportunity to think of my brother when I see this type of beauty, thankful for the moments of gratitude, and thankful for my life.      

Halloween

Brylie is getting to be so much fun to involve in holiday activities.  This year for Halloween she loved helping to carve the pumpkins.  Although reluctant at first to get her hands dirty she quickly learned the fun that can be had with getting pumpkin goop on your fingers.  This year we decided to go for themed costumes that could involve the whole family.  Brylie was our little Horton the Elephant, Bella was Cat in the Hat and Nick and I were Thing 1 and Thing 2.  She knows the characters pretty well from the decor in her nursery, so it was a perfect idea for our family.

 Brylie was very curious about carving pumpkins.  She watched Daddy carefully before deciding that she would join in the fun.

 Her cute little smile says it all :)

 Daddy and Brylie working hard on cleaning out the pumpkins before we could carve them.

Halloween morning with her Horton the Elephant stuffed animal.

Brylie and I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few last minute items.  She loved the pumpkin balloon.  

 My mom, aunt Kathy and Shelden joined us for dinner.  I made halibut, asparagus, and quinoa stuffed in peppers that I carved to look like jack o'lanterns.  It was a lot of fun.

Brylie had her own bell pepper pumpkin dinner, but found it tough to eat with her elephant trunk that kept getting in the way.

The cutest little Elephant I have ever seen.

 Loved the little tail on her costume.

Brylie and her crazy parents.  

 Family pic in front of our pumpkins.

Brylie and Mommy trick or treating.  

Brylie's 1st Birthday Party

It was so much fun putting together Brylie's 1st Birthday celebration.  I loved reliving all the pictures and memories over the last year and cherishing all that she has brought into our world.  Brylie has been nicknamed Monkey since birth so it was only fitting that it would be her first birthday theme.  There was a piñata, BBQ, memory wall, video montage and more.  I look forward to organizing and celebrating many more birthdays with my wonderful daughter.  We are so thankful for the family and friends who came and showered our precious child with love.  It means so much to have your love, support, and friendship.

 Brylie was so interested in the decorations.  She loves balloons and could not get enough of the monkey balloons.

 Mommy and Brylie in front of the dessert table.

 Shel, Brylie and Mommy.  Shelden and Becky came down the night before to help set up for the party.  It was so helpful to have them around and we loved their company.

Aunt Becky, Brylie and Mommy.

 Brylie showing off her "cheese" smile and her birthday onesie and bloomers.

 It is amazing to me how quickly she has grown.  I hung some of our favorite clothes from newborn to 12 months.

 Lunch was sliders, corn on the cob (Brylie loves it), potato salad etc.

 Table outside with bananas, bubbles, coloring and curious george fruit snacks.

 The birthday girl's hat and bib

 My wonderful mommy and Brylie.

 Photo wall of pictures from each month.

Mymouse, my mom and Brylie.

 Brylie showing her "O" face which we jokingly say is to support Oregon.

Uncle Ryan, Brylie and Mymouse

There are few things as magical as watching the love between my husband and our daughter.  It warms my heart to see their relationship develop and know how much they love each other.

 Daddy is enjoying a hug from his birthday girl

 The wonderful Broughton Family our friends from church. Their daughter, Ellery is only a month younger than Brylie.  I imagine they will be great friends.

 My and my dad.

 Enjoying the video I made of Brylie's first year.

 Aunt Kathy who came to celebrate even though she just underwent hip surgery and Shel spending some time with Brylie.

All dressed up and ready for some cake.

Jack and Lauren help Brylie celebrate.

Brylie checks out her monkey cake I baked for her.

 Her first time eating cake and she doesn't quite know what to think.

 Uncle Brian and Darryl

 Monkey piñata time

So fun to see the kids scurry to get treasures (goldfish, cheerios, crayons, sunglasses, bracelets, monkey tattoos etc.)

 Darryl, Uncle Travis, Leana, and Aunt Becky enjoying the party.

 Kaley and Chris other friends from church and Nick's best friend Cory.

Our sweet neighbors Sarah and her daughter Kaitlyn.

 The Viola family who I met over 7 years ago and feel very blessed to have come to know.  They are a wonderful family.